I was reading Silo’s Message and starting wondering what would be the result of me dying today.
I often think it would be comforting to believe that there will be something else later after death of the body. I don’t.
I understand the security of believing that there is something else later. I experience the futility of living.
A mess. That is the answer to my first question of what would happen if I died today. But a small mess.
A broken heart. I know in my heart that Anna would hurt. I don’t want people to hurt, I have had a very privileged life and continue to do so.
Hurt helps. Every time I have grown I have assimilated my hurt. I would not have grown so much without so much hurt.
My affairs, if people still speak of them in that way, are not in order. A mess.
I will die, of that I am certain.
The problem is how to live till I do.
What to expect till I do.
I have seen death in old and young close to me. Death is savage. And yet – they are still in my mind, my life, my thoughts.
I think I will tidy some of the mess…
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