My Birthday

I was 45 a few weeks back.  I am quite surprised that I am so old, I expected something else by this age, but I am not quite so sure what that is.

The most significant thing about my birthday was a surprise party that Anna had organised for me.  And, yes I was very surprised, I had not idea at all.

I was not enthusiastic about going out for diner for my birthday, I started to try and suggest places to Anna where we might go – then she told me it was booked and I had no say and no decisions in the matter.  I should in retrospect have caught on then,  Anna does not often tell me what to do – only when it is very important to her.
Anna told me what type of things to wear, when we were going, where to park – and took me by the hand to our destination.  I walked up the stairs oddly confused by the place she had picked for my birthday diner only to see some of my friends sitting there waiting for me.
I stood at the top of the stairs and started crying, just a few tears mind you not a flood – crying, not something one does in public, in fact for me not something that happens much ever, which makes it even more difficult perhaps.  I had to have a handkerchief before sitting down.  I was utterly surprised that I was so emotional.   I was surprised that people had turned up for me.  Now that thinking demanded some examination.  And hey they had also brought presents, I fought for a long time against the tears.  It was a great night for me.

I was sad the day after.  The times of my birthday when I was a child kept coming back to mind.  I don’t remember having any birthday parties when I was a kid.  I know at least one was celebrated, I have it on film.  The film was shot by my grandfather when I was on holiday with my grandparents when I was about four or five years old.  That was the first and last until a few weeks ago, kinda strange when I started thinking about it.  Strange in that it was never something that I had ever considered during my life so far.

I was telling a close friend about this yesterday.  He said he did not know when my birthday was and he considered this odd as we had spend a month together in Vienna a couple of years ago – and my birthday was in the middle of that month and I just never mentioned it to him.

So where am I going with this?  My parents were bad parents and they are all to blame for this?  No.  I see something else here – faulty thinking.  I know if I arrange to meet friends for coffee, diner, a holiday, anything really – they are there, I just never think about it, I know I can depend on them in most situations.  I have not transmitted that thinking and security into the rest of my life.  I know that if need something and my Dad can help he will.  In reality many people are “there” for me – for whatever reasons I just never learned, for a long time, to ask.  I am learning now and have been for a while.  This is what I mean when I though that being this age would be different.  In some ways I often think at some point in time one has all the answers, but I don’t think that is ever going to be true.

And so, what have I learned from this?  My thinking is not a true reflection of reality.  I do not say this to persecute myself in any way – but just to accept the way things are.  And more importantly – I LOVE birthdays now.
One last thing.  I hear many people talk about gratitude, being grateful for this or that, making gratitude lists etc – not really my thing I must admit.  However, I am grateful for being born, for being alive, for being brought into existence – I have a bloody good life – and therefore I have my parents to thanks for that.

And thanks Anna for the time and the effort, it was a great night in many ways for me. Thanks.

No related posts.